The Romance Risk Index

1. Do I need to keep this relationship secret?

Office romances can never be kept secret. People in love give themselves away. Remember your mother (or father, or sibling) telling you that sex changes everything? It does. For everybody. Trying to maintain secrecy will only consume the energy you need to get your job done.

2. Will I be able to deal with the perception of conflict of interest?

How would you handle implementing a decision, a policy or a negotiation that obviously favors the colleague you are dating and makes life difficult for another one? How would you expect the second colleague to react? Even if you had nothing to do with the original decision but were merely responsible for its implementation, what would it be natural for him (or her) to think? What would you think?

3. Will I be able to deal with anger from other colleagues?

Not everyone is enchanted by the presence of true love. How would you deal with charges, however unreasonable, of "You don't concentrate on getting things done the way you used to?" Or, "the relationship burns up too much of your time and energy." Or, "You don't go out with the gang on Friday nights anymore?" Your relationship can be targeted as an Achilles heel if someone really wants to get to you. How defensive will you (or your partner) be?

4. Will I be able to stay out of the conflicts my partner gets into?

As a professional manager your response should be, "Of course I can." But remember Factor No. 1: Sex changes everything. How defensive will you get if you believe that your partner is being mistreated by other colleagues, or even by the boss? Will you be able to stay out of it? If you can't, will your partner consider your interference insulting or demeaning? What happens if the conflict actually was provoked by your beloved? Will that subject be off limits in your relationship?

5. Will I be able to handle my partner's getting promoted?

More importantly, what happens if he or she gets promoted and you don't? And what if your partner becomes your boss? How would your, your partner and the rest of your colleagues react? Would one of you be expected to leave or transfer? If you were the one not promoted, guess which one it would be.

6. Will I be able to handle my partner's getting fired or laid off?

As the survivor, how would the situation impact your work, your position, your relationship? Would you be able to overcome resentment? Would you be fully trusted by the rest of your team (and your boss)? What if you knew beforehand that your partner was being cut and you were staying?

7. Would I be able to handle a public or a nasty breakup?

The playwright William Congreve observed, "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned." How would you deal with very public anger? How would you deal with the inevitable choosing up of sides among your colleagues? Your breakup, like your romance, will be hot gossip (probably hotter). Often we assume it will be the other person who will act out or cause a scene, but what if you lose your temper or act inappropriately?

8. Will my boss be able to handle a public breakup?

If your work life becomes untenable after a breakup, if one or both of you invests time and energy in defending yourself, building allies or even undermining each other, how will the boss react? Does the boss deal with conflict by ignoring it or freezing out one or both parties? Workplace life is hard enough.

9. Will I be able to handle a sexual harassment accusation if a nasty breakup comes to that?

Sexual harassment is focused on the perception of the victim. Based on his or her values, frame of reference and level of tolerance, the victim decides whether a particular act is sexual harassment. The standards, especially for hostile work environment, are subjective. If your partner files a complaint under the provisions of Title VII, your agency must investigate. Investigations often provoke extensive (and expensive) litigation.

10. Will I be able to handle the backlash that comes from a broken relationship?

When workplace disruption occurs, colleagues often look for someone to blame. Life is more predictable and orderly when someone can be held responsible for dissension. The hard truth is that women still get targeted in relationship matters--especially public ones. The woman is more often cited as the one who should have known better. If you are a woman with strong career ambitions, are you willing to take that on?

Take a look at your score on the Relationship Risk Index. If you identified three or more risk factors as relevant, an alarm bell should be sounding.

"The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love," Philip Bailey wrote. The man had a point.