The Mother Load

onnie Christopher hears the front door of the house slam as she eases into the car at 6:40 a.m. to begin her 50-minute commute. "OK, Fred, I got the message-again," she thinks. It is the morning after another argument about how she and her husband, Fred, both career professionals, should share child care and household responsibilities.

True, she could trust Fred to see to it that their 7-year-old twins, Kate and Nate, ate the cereal she left in bowls on the kitchen table. She knew he'd make sure they got to the bus stop on time, and he'd pick them up from after-school care at 5 o'clock on the way home from his nearby office. But Bonnie, as usual, had prepared last night's dinner, checked homework, and gotten the kids to bed before tackling an hour of chores, including packing the next day's lunches.

Bonnie fumes behind the wheel. Was it really so outrageous to ask Fred to prepare supper this evening? She has to attend a late management council meeting in the wake of the downsizing announcement at the Social Services Department. As chief of financial management for the North Central Region, she has a key role in formulating the office's plan. And while her boss, Director Haruo Nomo, has shown extraordinary understanding of her occasional unavailability because of the children, today is not the day to test that good will. In fact, the next few weeks at the office will be more pressing than usual, perhaps demanding a temporary shift of Bonnie's carefully balanced home versus office schedule. That happens sometimes, and the price paid is lost time with the family.

Bonnie's demands at the office call for some extraordinary understanding from Fred, who is palpably uncomfortable with violations of the traditional model of the male breadwinner and female homemaker. The one immovable anchor of his routine is having Bonnie fix dinner. "If I didn't insist on that," he had said during the previous night's argument, "you'd never get home from the office before the kids were ready for bed. I'm trying to keep us a family."

In a final, telling thrust, Fred had snarled, "With all your Saturday catch-up sessions lately, you're not exactly 'Soccer Mom,' either. Most of the kids on the team have both parents at the games, even if they're divorced. Have you noticed who's been going to all the games-alone?"

Bonnie has noticed, and she feels guilty about it. But during months of unrelenting budget cuts and attrition, she and her colleagues have been scrambling to shore up their programs with administrative and logistical support. The heavier workload just doesn't fit into her regular 9- to 10-hour day, and she has slid almost unaware into a routine trip to the office on Saturdays. The "couple of hours to catch up" has crept close to a full day, part of which is spent worrying about what the kids are doing.

A traffic bottleneck has given Bonnie time to think. Perhaps Fred is so reluctant to yield on his family "principles" because he is feeling powerless in other areas of his life. Fred, a one-time hot shot, was recently relegated to a dead-end position, and Bonnie's career and income have eclipsed his. Maybe he needs more sensitivity from her on that score. Or maybe Bonnie's dedication to her job really is disrupting the family.

Reaching her desk, Bonnie begins to regroup for a 9 a.m. meeting with Nomo. "I hate to lay an extra burden on him, especially at a time like this," she thinks, "but I have a lot of questions about how my balancing act is working from his point of view. Maybe he feels he's been compromising, too." Everyone in the office had noted how considerate Nomo had been about Bob Sheffield's schedule during his wife's serious illness. Now Bonnie wonders if he has been accommodating her in the expectation that she'd eventually be as available as her peers. All of them are male and always accessible, barring emergencies.

As she walks through Nomo's doorway, Bonnie is encouraged by his characteristic smile. But he has noticed stress creeping into her sunny personality. Nomo has tapped the grapevine to learn of the domestic pressures on her schedule, and he is ready to talk to her about it.

"Has my stress affected my performance?" Bonnie thinks. "And what about the future? Can I even think about becoming chief financial officer for the department? Can any mother of young children seriously pursue the most senior positions?"

he morning after a blowup with her husband probably is the worst time for Bonnie Christopher to tell her boss about her family-job conflicts. If Nomo raises the issue, Bonnie should suggest they schedule an appointment at another time to discuss her job performance.

The delay will give her time to have a heart-to-heart talk with her husband. Her job pressures should be addressed as a family problem to work on together. Presumably they have a common goal-spending more time with their kids and each other.

First, they can tackle the immediate issues. If her long hours truly are a short-term condition that should get better later, then the couple can brainstorm on some temporary measures to get by. Everyone will have to make compromises.

Seven-year-olds are capable of getting their own bowls of cereal and helping pack their lunches. Bonnie's husband will have to take on more of the domestic chores, just as she would if he were going through a hectic time at work. They also could pay for some domestic help, such as a cleaning service.

Bonnie also should consider whether part of her husband's resistance to doing more chores stems from her micromanaging when he does. She should relax and let him do things his way if she expects him to assume more responsibility at home.

If Fred agrees to do more, his wife should meet him half way. When she must go to the office on Saturday, she could wait until after the kids' soccer games. She also could set a time limit on how long she'll be gone.

Fred's refusal to make dinner apparently is a ploy to get Bonnie to come home on time. He might be more willing to relent if she agrees to make more effort to avoid missing dinner and to give him advance notice, if possible, when she must be late.

This family also should look at the big picture. Part of Fred's resistance is because of his own work situation. If his career has been sidetracked, his self-esteem may be low. Housework could seem like another threat to his masculinity. His wife could encourage him to make a career change and support him in the process.

Bonnie needs to do some soul-searching about the sacrifices she's willing to make to reach her goal of department chief financial officer. Since she's apparently juggled family and job successfully while climbing the career ladder, there's no reason to assume she can't continue moving up. But the decision to go for it is not one she can make in a vacuum. She needs to consider how much support she'll have from her family and how much she is willing to compromise.

Once she and her husband have reached short-term fixes and long-term goals, Bonnie is ready to talk to her boss. That discussion should focus on her job performance during this overload period and how she can best meet her department's needs without sacrificing her personal life. This is a reasonable position for any employee, not just a parent of young children.

Her boss may be unaware of how much Bonnie is working. Her Saturday visits to the office, especially when they stretch to several hours, should not be necessary except on an infrequent basis. Instead, she should offer her boss ideas for how the department's workload could be completed more efficiently. Maybe some projects could be delegated to less senior workers or to other departments. Some projects probably could be eliminated, and so could time-wasters such as lengthy meetings.

During the discussion with her boss, she should make clear her dedication to the department's mission. If Bonnie wants to keep advancing, her boss needs to hear that, too. Otherwise he may assume that her family obligations supersede that desire. If she's a valued employee, it's in her boss's self-interest to make it possible for her to advance.

ven "wonder women" can't do it all. At least not without help. Bonnie Christopher is in the classic dilemma of trying to be all things to all people, and she can't do it.

She needs to negotiate for help at home and help at the office. Whether it's her husband or a part-time helper or other arrangement which could take care of the supper preparation, a high-level manager just can't do all of the routine functions at home and do her job well. At the same time, Bonnie can't let her job take away the important family time either. Extra help at the office, or allocation of responsibilities to others, especially on weekends and evenings, is part of the process of acknowledging that employment has to be a team effort.

Bonnie should set rules about what time she will leave the office and, except in an emergency, she should leave then. She should routinely avoid working on weekends. She might choose to go to soccer games, but not because her husband makes her feel guilty about missing them. She might prefer to spend time on her own for at least part of the weekend, and she shouldn't feel guilty about that either. Bonnie's schedule is too burdensome for anyone, male or female, with children or without. The question isn't whether she needs special treatment because of her family situation, the point is that she, like any other employee, needs a reasonable work schedule.

The negotiations with family and work to accomplish this should be discussed first with Nomo, because he's ready to talk about them. To the extent he can work with Bonnie to support her setting limits at work, she will need to leave every day by 6 p.m., unless there's an emergency. She will need staff assistance to ensure that weekend work is a rare exception. These are reasonable requests. Bonnie may need to be flexible in other areas, by letting go some area of responsibility, or by not being perfect in every aspect of her performance, but the employer has an obligation to respect every employee's need not to have to work excessive hours to accomplish the work.

The family situation will be eased by getting help with supper. Bonnie could suggest late afternoon help at home to fix supper, or make arrangements with any of the many services which provide meals to working families. If she doesn't press Fred on this one, and gets home earlier for family quality time, a compromise could be developed.

Employers don't need to know all the gory details about the home situation, and they really shouldn't get them. A problem-solving approach by Bonnie which identifies the major problems of a heavy workload requiring evening and weekend hours routinely, her goal of not working evenings or weekends except in emergencies, and her proposals to resolve those issues is enough for an employer to recognize the problem and deal with solutions.

onnie Christopher's life is a perfect example of the difficulties faced by working women with families today. They have been told they can "have it all"-both a fulfilling personal and family life and a dynamic and demanding career. What they haven't been told is that having it all comes with a price that includes making difficult decisions about priorities. It also means having to face feelings about not giving 100 percent all the time-at home or in the workplace.

Many working mothers feel home life is the most important priority, though a career is still important to them. Some therefore choose to work part time. Others decide to work full time, either out of economic necessity or because they enjoy professional life and want to continue their careers. In either case, a working mother will undoubtedly feel guilt that some aspect of her life is not receiving enough attention, or that the balance she's chosen is not the "right" one. The "right" mix is up to the individual, based on her circumstances. This is the crossroads Bonnie has reached.

Whether Bonnie can "do justice" to both home and work, depends on what "doing justice" means to her. It is certainly possible to have a fulfilling home life and career. However, doing so requires recognition that sometimes either work or home life will take precedence over the other. If Bonnie wants to keep her job and maintain her family responsibilities, she needs to deal with the guilt she is feeling by accepting that she may not be the superstar at work she is used to being, and she probably won't be "Super Mom" either. But she must accept that having a career and a family does not mean she is an inadequate mother or worker.

Bonnie should not try to match a work schedule set by others, especially those who do not have the same family obligations. She also should not take a position with less responsibility because she feels others are outstripping her in terms of hours worked. It is not clear whether Bonnie's co-workers are doing a better job than she is, although she may feel that they are. Indeed, studies have shown that people who spend less time in the office may actually be more productive because they log in less down-time.

This is where Bonnie's supervisor can provide some insight. As long as Nomo is satisfied with Bonnie's performance, she should not worry about what her male co-workers are doing.

If Bonnie wants to scale back her work life, she should seek a less responsible position. However, she should only do this if she is sure it is right for her (taking into account her family's feelings, etc.) because the decision is probably irrevocable. If Bonnie takes a demotion because of pressure from home without exploring her alternatives, her personal situation could get worse, not better.

The rules for working couples are changing as traditional roles for men and women evolve. However, this does not mean modern couples accept such changes readily. Willingness to take on nontraditional roles is shaped by many things, such as the role model provided by one's own parents. It appears that Fred is more comfortable with the traditional role of himself as head of the household and breadwinner, and Bonnie as wife and caretaker. He is resentful that these roles appear to be eroding because of Bonnie's career. Fred's feelings may be amplified by his own flagging career. Fred should be flexible about his expectations that Bonnie exclusively perform domestic tasks such as making dinner every day, and Bonnie should not allow work routinely to interfere with family weekend activities.

Bonnie and Fred must communicate about home expectations and child-care responsibilities and must attempt to compromise. They may need professional help before resentment on both sides becomes an insurmountable barrier to communications.

Whether Bonnie needs to clarify her relationship with her husband prior to discussing her work performance with her boss depends on what she is seeking to accomplish through the latter discussion. For example, if Bonnie seeks an accommodated schedule so she can spend less time at the office and more time at home, she will have a more productive discussion with her boss if she knows what exactly is expected of her at home. If Bonnie's angst is over whether she is meeting her boss' expectations and she simply seeks reassurances from Nomo, it may not be necessary for her to resolve her family issues with Fred first. The bottom line, however, is that Bonnie needs to talk to both her boss and her husband to get herself back on track.

Nomo is obviously sympathetic to Bonnie. However, he should not encourage Bonnie to unburden herself about the details of her personal life, especially since her personal problems do not appear to be interfering with anything other than her disposition. He should be open about whether he thinks Bonnie is meeting his performance expectations. Nomo should also assure Bonnie that if she is having personal difficulties which need accommodation, he is open to providing assistance. If Nomo feels Bonnie needs professional assistance with her personal problems, he can and should refer her to the agency employee assistance program.

Supervisors must walk a fine line between serving the interests of their employer and maintaining good personal relationships with their subordinates. If Nomo is too involved in the details of Bonnie's personal life, it may become difficult for him to objectively assess her situation if an issue arises later regarding Bonnie's performance or attendance. Nomo can be a sympathetic friend to a degree, but he must maintain some distance to be an effective supervisor.

Bonnie's situation is occurring every day with working mothers all over the country. However, the solution for each individual depends upon her circumstances and the choices she makes about the appropriate balance between work and home. Bonnie needs to set her personal priorities before she can determine whether her home-work balance should be retooled.

This is a series of case studies in which Government Executive examines workplace dilemmas that often confront federal managers. Each is presented to a panel of experts for their reactions.