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Russia now has control over an arsenal of deadly weapons. Defense dolphins, which were supposed to protect Ukraine's border, may pose a threat to the U.S. — if they can figure out how to shoot those pistols attached to their heads. At least the U.N. is doing all it can to condemn Russia's takeover of Crimea: It passed a resolution. Or, as Seth Meyers puts it, the equivalent of a negative Yelp review.
Plus: Ted Cruz tries an impersonation of Winston Churchill, The Atlantic reports on hibernating squirrels, and Fox News unveils its anti-Obama version of March Madness.
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