Government Executive - Authors - Jude Bijou

Is an Employee’s Bad Attitude Getting in Your Way?

Jude Bijou — Wed, 10 Aug 2016 09:23:19 -0400

Do you need a communication breakthrough with employees who have challenging attitudes? With just a little practice, you'll be able to recognize the emotion underneath other people's demeanor, words, and actions. And once you identify the emotion, rather than reacting to what they say or do, you can extend a communication bridge. These bridges can help shift a colleague’s emotional state so they may regain their balance and focus on productive work.

To figure out which of the three emotions are in play, ask yourself this simple question:

Where is their attention focused?

The Sad Employee

Is your employee putting himself down? Is she overly concerned with her shortcomings? These are hypersensitive, self-doubting employees. They are focused on themselves.

People who are feeling sadness will most likely think or speak poorly of themselves. Maybe they are passive or clingy. They need to feel good about themselves and valued in their work. In your interactions with them, let them know you have confidence in them and their abilities. Tell them when they’re doing good work. Verbally appreciate their strengths and contributions.

The Angry Employee

Does your employee have an unproductive focus on other people and situations? Is he or she blaming, criticizing, negative, and generally frustrated with things beyond themselves?

Folks striking out in anger often feel isolated and in need of understanding. They won't respond well to debates, lectures, or reprimands. The chances they'll hear what you have to say are slim to none unless you first sincerely hear them out without interruption or judgment. Focus on what's going on with them behind their anger and accusations. Tell them you want to hear what you have to say and then listen.

The Fearful Employee

Is the employee easily overwhelmed and anxious about the future or quick to try to control things? Is she worried about time?

When someone exhibits these behaviors chances are they have unexpressed fear. They need honest reassurances. Repeatedly remind them to take one step at a time and focus on the present. Tell them you’ll provide guidance and advice as necessary. Or remind them that their work is valued, and that they’ve done this successfully before.

The three bridges move negative emotions to their positive opposites, creating a more productive and harmonious work environment:

Sadness --> Appreciation --> Joy

Anger --> Understanding --> Love

Fear --> Reassurance --> Peace

You'll deepen your management skills and business relationships when you become adept at recognizing other people's emotions and applying the three bridges. You’ll communicate more effectively and cultivate amazing talent. The three bridges will support relationships in your personal life as well. When someone is quick to anger, rather than offer advice, truly listen to what they are saying and try to understand their position.

Jude Bijou, MA, MFT, is a respected psychotherapist, professional educator, and workshop leader. Her theory of Attitude Reconstruction® evolved over more than 30 years working with clients as a licensed therapist and is the subject of her award-winning book, Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life (Riviera Press, 2011). Learn more at www.attitudereconstruction.com.

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8 Ways We Bring Our Co-Workers Down

Jude Bijou — Wed, 09 Apr 2014 17:48:00 -0400

When someone brings up a topic at work, such as a new task, proposal, or solution, different workers respond according to their predominant attitude. If you work in an office, everyone already knows what to expect from you, for better or for worse. They identify you with specific attitudes.

Negative stereotyping can damage your career. People will make assumptions about you, give the peachy assignments to others, or refuse to put you on their team.

The good news is that unwanted attitude brands are easy to change—once you understand where they're coming from.

Here are some common attitude brands and how to transform them.

1. The Slacker. This person wants to do the minimum to get by—and everyone knows it.

Solution: Laziness is the result of unexpressed sadness. People who are lazy are often secretly afraid of failing, and they struggle with finding a direction. If you're a bit of a slacker, set aside time to get a clear picture of your long-range objectives, and consider how your behavior today and tomorrow contributes to achieving those goals. When you have the urge to be lazy, say to yourself, "I'm doing this for me."

2. The Passive-Aggressive Person. This person appears to comply with the team's request, then turns around and sabotages others' efforts.

Solution: Often, passive-aggressive people experienced injustices and violations in their past, and have pent-up anger and a desire to hurt others as a result. To change this, in a private place like your car, express your anger in a constructive way. For example, you can shake your steering wheel and yell "I feel so mad!" Getting that trapped anger out of your body will help you be part of the team and feel more connected to your co-workers. Practice acting in compassionate ways toward others, apologize for unkind words and actions, and focus on your work goal.

3. The Gossiper. This is a person no one trusts because they will smile one minute and in the next talk about others behind their back.

Solution: Gossip is really just a nice word for condemnation, envy and accusation. In other words, it's not an innocent pastime. The price you pay for your disloyalty and finding fault with others is feeling alienated and separate from your peers. The good news is that you brought this on yourself, and can reverse it. When you feel the urge to put someone down, stop before you speak and ask yourself who you're talking about. It's fine to talk about yourself because that's your true domain. If you're talking negatively about others, you're out of your territory. Stop and remind yourself, "My focus is myself. My job is to take care of myself."

4. The "No" Person. This is the person who instantly challenges or finds fault with any new idea.

Solution: Chronic negativity comes from an aversion to change, a dislike of being told what to do, or a desire to stay in control. Practice nodding, staying quiet and letting someone else respond before you do. Recognize your impulse to jump in and say no. Instead, listen carefully and then express at least a willingness to consider it. If it's really difficult to swallow, ask the person if you could have an hour to think about it so you can formulate a more informed response.

5. The "Run-With-It" Person. This is an impulsive person who is ready to change directions on a dime—but not necessarily ready to think it through.

Solution: Recognize that your knee-jerk reaction is based in fear or anxiety, and being impulsive has consequences. Sometimes we run with an idea because it feels better to be in control. Slow yourself down. Consider and evaluate your ideas before jumping in a new direction. Pick it apart, on your own time and in private, so you can see and understand all the implications. If it's worthwhile, you can then present your idea with calmness, confidence and reliability.

6. The Evangelist. This is the person who thinks his idea cannot possibly be questioned.

Solution: This attitude brand has its roots in anger and an out-of-control ego. Being opinionated to the point of leveling everyone around you is a sign that you have pent-up anger you haven't dealt with. Recognize it's your pattern and you are alienating your co-workers. Everyone wants to be listened to and valued. If you want others to listen to your worthy ideas, listen more and recognize that other people have important ideas worth considering.

7. The Rebel. This is the person who digs his heels in and refuses to conform or cooperate when they don't like what's going on.

Solution: Chronic nonconformity is a combination of a desire to control and frustration at not getting your way. Look to appreciate the contributions of others and find value in building a better plan together. Accept that people and things are the way they are, not the way you think they should be, and realize you'll feel more connected to others and life will be more rewarding if you learn to be a team player.

8. The Pot-Stirrer. These folks use rumors or innuendo to pit co-workers or work teams against each other for their own entertainment.

Solution: In order to enjoy your working experience and have co-workers who consider you a friend, put your energy into helping out and making relationships better. Resist the impulse to get your jollies at the expense of others, and praise accomplishments.

Want to find out more about attitudes and reactions that may be curtailing your workplace relationships? Take a quick self-quiz here, and then try the coping strategies designed to address them.

Jude Bijou is a psychotherapist, educator and consultant. She is the author of Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life.

(Image via i3alda/Shutterstock.com)

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7 Ways to Improve Your Mood at Work

Jude Bijou — Tue, 08 Oct 2013 09:00:00 -0400

Our job is where we spend the majority of our waking hours, and where stress, worry, and frustration can easily impede our performance, productivity, and workplace relationships. Here are 7 easy ways to stay upbeat and positive, and to flip bad moods into good ones quickly and effectively.

1. Stop "what-iffing" and "deadlining."

"What-iffing" is when your thoughts are fixated on the past--what you did wrong in the meeting, or why you got passed up for the promotion. "Deadlining" is when your thoughts are focused on the future--worrying about the project that has to get done or wondering how the client will react to your presentation. Unhappiness is caused by thinking about the past or the future. When you're completely "in the now," you can't be unhappy. Stop what you're doing, take some breaths, and just "be." When you have a past- or future-focused thought, flick it away. Even if you can sustain this activity for literally two minutes, it will help you feel better--especially if you're under a lot of stress. It will give you a "happiness break."

2. Drown out negative chatter.

Counteract an unhappy thought with a statement that's irrefutable and 100% true. The negative chatter that goes on inside our head is untrue and based on false assumptions derived from anger, sadness, and fear. You can interrupt thoughts by finding a statement that's true and repeating it over and over until you feel better. For example, instead of "I'll never get all of this done in time," you can say "I'll do what I can." If you can find a contradictory statement to repeat that's 100% true, it will change your mood.

3. Be grateful, not grumpy.

Think of something you're grateful for. This simple technique really works wonders. The next time you're feeling overwhelmed, depleted, or unhappy at work, simply close your eyes and think hard about one thing that makes you happy. This is the idea behind why pets help people who are in distress. When people focus on how much they love their pet, for example, other issues take a back seat. You can't think about something you're grateful for and something you're unhappy about at the same time.

4. Say NO! to "trash thinking."

Trash thinking is like trash talking. It's putting yourself or someone else down. Most of us are aware of when we're thinking mean thoughts about a coworker, client, or employee, or when we're being hypercritical about ourselves. The first step is to be aware. The second step is to say "no." You can even say it out loud at a good volume: "NO!" Find a private space and stomp around the room and yell it. Pretty soon you'll be smiling again. Probably even laughing!

5. Be the "happy one" at work.

Moods are contagious, and when you become known at work for being ridiculously, unstoppably upbeat, people will begin to smile before you even open your mouth. You can avoid the common squabbles and doldrums employees and bosses suffer simply by smiling a lot at the beginning of your day and saying out loud, "What a gorgeous day for data entry," or "Isn't it nice to be employed?" People will love to work with you because you're happy. What they don't know is that you're making yourself happy too!

6. Just get over it.

Practice accepting what is. When we stop expecting people and situations to be different than they are, we're instantaneously less frustrated and more able to look within to decide what we want or need to do currently. Remind yourself, "People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be." If you can get over your frustration that things aren't the way you want them to be, you will enjoy yourself more and maybe even learn a new way of approaching a problem.

7. Wear someone else's shoes.

Instead of being self-absorbed, it's a great practice to suspend your own position and just listen in order to understand where someone else is coming from. You don't have to agree, but listening well is the ultimate in giving and will bring you feelings of connection and love. Happiness at work comes when we have a sense of fellow feeling with our coworkers--that we're all in this together, and we have each others' backs.

Want to find out more about the attitudes and emotions that dominate your character and may be sabotaging your business success or happiness at work? Take a quick self-quiz here, and then try the coping strategies designed to address them.

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10 Ways to Finally Stop Procrastinating

Jude Bijou — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 11:58:00 -0500

Everyone procrastinates. We usually do it to avoid a task that's unpleasant or daunting. But when procrastinating starts to interfere with performance at work--by causing us to feel worried, fearful, and stressed-out, or by causing others to feel anxious because we're holding up progress--then it's time to stop putting the task aside and get on with it.

Here are 10 ways to get out of the quicksand of procrastination and reap numerous benefits, which include improved productivity, enhanced mood, less stress, better coworker relationships, a sense of accomplishment, and restored reputation at work as a "doer."

1. Identify the situation.
First, write down the specific task you've been putting off. For example, "I have to convert all of my client contacts and notes into the new file-sharing software system and learn how to navigate its tools and folders." Writing down the task helps you dial in the job at hand.

2. Pinpoint your emotions.
What's preventing you from diving in to this task? It's typically one or more of three core emotions. Perhaps, to use the above example, you're intimidated by all the new bells and whistles you'll have to learn (fear). Or you're resentful about having to do this when the old system worked perfectly well (anger). Or you're bummed that you're just not tech savvy (sadness). This step helps you see the act of dragging your heels for what it truly is: an emotional reaction.

3. Deal with those emotions.
It's helpful to know that emotions--sadness, anger, and fear--are just pure energy in your body. Look at the word "emotion." It's energy (e) in motion. Take some time in private to express those emotions constructively. By crying to express sadness, punching or yelling into a pillow or stomping around to release the anger, or doing exaggerated shivering for the fear, you give yourself permission to express the emotion. The energy dissipates and you won't feel stuck. It's like letting steam out of a pressure cooker.

4. Do some planning.
Good planning is the foundation of success for most any project. It's helpful to write it down so you have it for ready reference. Start by getting clear on your goal. Your goal is your beacon to keep you on track in treacherous waters. For example, "I want to be flunet with this new software so it's a useful tool, not an impediment to my progress." Having a clear and precise idea of your goal will keep you oriented and stay motivated.

5. Find some "truths."
Identify sabotaging thoughts that are hanging in the wings, ready to pounce in a weak moment, then come up with a couple of truths to contradict them. For example, if you continually tell yourself "I'll never be able to learn all this," you might say to yourself, "I can do this" or "If others can learn this, so can I." That's a plain and simple truth. To neutralize your frustration at having to do this task, you might say, "I'm doing this because I want to be a team player" or "My boss thinks I'm the best person to do this."

6. Break your goal into a series of small, doable steps.
You've envisioned the task, dealt with what's been holding you back, and fixed your destructive thinking. Completing the task requires deciding when you'll get started and figuring out a doable step-by-step game plan. Write it down, schedule it, and commit to it. Then go on a mental journey, plotting out each part of the task, including details such as whom you will talk with and what about, where and when you'll be working, and how long you expect each part to take.

7. Anticipate roadblocks.
Once you've created a game plan, step back and imagine challenges and obstacles that are likely to pop up along the way. For example, other projects with shorter deadlines might land on your desk. How will you tackle such challenges in order to keep moving forward with the big task at hand? For every such scenario, have a tactic ready for sticking to your original plan. You may also want to find someone to support your efforts and with whom you can check in on a regular basis.

8. Take the leap.
With all this preparation, it's time to tackle the task you've put off. Before you do, acknowledge your emotions--whether it's anger, fear, or sadness. Take just a minute or two and release the pent-up emotion in a physical and constructive way. Without the emotional energy dragging you down, you'll feel prepared to take the leap and be amazed by how easy it is as you just focus on one step at a time.

9. Battle resistance.
As you move through the task, you're likely to meet with resistance in the form of excuses, bad moods, and discouragement. Meet resistance with tenacity and stubbornness, and continue to deal with any emotions that surface. Say to yourself, "I can do this. I'll feel better when I handle this." Say it over and over until it's set in your mind. Any time you feel discouraged or are tempted to procrastinate, refocus on the goal.

10. Focus on the upside.
Getting through a daunting task is incredibly satisfying. Praise each little step along the way. Remind yourself at every step that you'll feel incredibly virtuous when you get the task off your plate once and for all. Accomplishing what you're avoiding will simplify your work life. You'll feel more energetic. You'll sleep better at night.

Jude Bijou, MA, MFT, is a respected psychotherapist, professional educator, and workshop leader. Her theory of Attitude Reconstruction® evolved over the course of more than 30 years working with clients as a licensed marriage and family therapist, and is the subject of her award-winning book, Attitude Reconstruction: A Blueprint for Building a Better Life. Learn more at http://www.attitudereconstruction.com/.

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